Faith & Doubt

Before I start my yoga practice this morning I want to write some things down. Yesterday was very interesting. What happened? I sat at the table, having a conversation with my uncle Thomas, which I already found a little unsettling because he and my father are like clones almost. Same voice, same mimics, same reasoning. Not my jam. Anyways, to put it plainly; he was the embodiment of my doubt. He confronted me with my decision to stop studying. He said:

“What if you wake up in a couple of years and all the work you did at university will be lost and you’ll have nothing to show for, you’ll just think that you wasted your time. Then you come back from India and you can – excuse my condescending tone – do a handstand but you’ll have no diplomas, and this world is tough, you need to earn a living. What if you’ll regret it and it’s too late?”

The fire in my spirit was simmering. With tears in my eyes and a voice that almost cracked I explained how this was the toughest decision I ever had to make, that I had told myself for over a year how “ I just had to push a little while longer, so when I had my diploma I could finally live the life that I dreamt of”. I told him how at the end of this year something snapped, some great internal voice arose and it was all as clear as day: this story I’m telling myself just doesn’t make sense anymore. It doesn’t make any sense to postpone my LIFE. This my life and I have got to own it. This is what I told my dear uncle, who mistake me not, I am very grateful for, because his harsh words of doubt and concern confronted me with my own doubt, but above all they refueled the fire of my passion, my love, my deepest soul conviction; that I am not living this life to prove anything to anyone, that I am not walking the paved path of convention, because it is the safest and most logical thing to do according to our culture and upbringing. NO, I chose the path of love, the path of uncertainty, the unpaved path, the one that is only illuminated by the fire in my soul and the undying love in my heart. So, I told him how I do not believe in this emotion called “regret” because I believe that whatever happens in our life is exactly what should’ve happened. I told him how I have learned so much about myself, how I have met so many wonderful people, how I have learned and grown and most of all how I became strong enough to choose the life my whole being was dying to live.

Because I KNOW, my whole being KNOWS that this is my destiny, that it was never my path to walk in fear, in doubt, trying to reassure some kind of future for myself. The future is always unsure. It doesn’t exist, I do not live for it. I believe in me. I believe in my capacities. I believe above all else in the universal energy that will take me exactly where I ought to be. I believe with my whole heart, even when my brain interferes and puts fear and doubt in my belly, that this is the only life for me and it will be so full of growth and love and light. I have faith and like all believers, I doubt my faith every now and then. Being confronted like this by my uncle reconnected me to my faith, which should now be greater than ever because it has brought me so much already.

I never expected everyone to understand or be supportive of my decisions. So far, most people close to me have been extremely supportive and I am forever grateful for their faith in me. Now is the time for me to reconnect to my own faith in me, my faith in this universe and my faith in the path that I am destined to walk.

1 thought on “Faith & Doubt”

  1. Wauw.. I LOVE YOU <3

    'the unpaved path, the one that is only illuminated by the fire in my soul and the undying love in my heart' – Zooo prachtig dit!

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